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 The Darkness Overtakes Me (Poem)

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The Mellow Filmmaker
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PostSubject: The Darkness Overtakes Me (Poem)   Fri Sep 18, 2009 1:42 pm

Here's a poem I wrote for my English class months ago. I'm actually quite proud of it. With no further intoduction; here it is.

The Darkness Overtakes Me:

I lay there extremely weak
My eyelids shut slowly
My time seems bleak
The darkness overtakes me

The night is young, today is dead
My heart rate is slowing
Constricted by thousands of mended threads
The darkness overtakes me

On a soft slab I ride
With some mystery I must abide
For I do not know what’s on the other side
The darkness overtakes me

The shrouds of blindness everywhere
Light or sound would stop the process
But if it’s stopped, it would be more to bear
The darkness overtakes me

To you this sounds like a fright
But it’s not, it’s actually a delight
A delight I go through, every night
The darkness overtakes me


Last edited by The Mellow Filmmaker on Sat Sep 19, 2009 9:30 am; edited 1 time in total
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Corka Cola

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PostSubject: Re: The Darkness Overtakes Me (Poem)   Fri Sep 18, 2009 2:43 pm

Love the last paragraph, but seems a little disconnected. Know what I mean?
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Snow Taradien

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PostSubject: Re: The Darkness Overtakes Me (Poem)   Fri Sep 18, 2009 4:49 pm

I beleive it could have benifitted from the last verse following the same pattern as the others, by saying "As the darkness overtakes me" at the very end.
But that's just my oppinion.
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Corka Cola

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PostSubject: Re: The Darkness Overtakes Me (Poem)   Sat Sep 19, 2009 4:55 am

I would have liked that too...
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The Mellow Filmmaker
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PostSubject: Re: The Darkness Overtakes Me (Poem)   Sat Sep 19, 2009 9:32 am

Okay guys. Thanks for the constuctive criticism. I went ahead and edited my peom. Hopefully its better now.
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Snow Taradien

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PostSubject: Re: The Darkness Overtakes Me (Poem)   Sat Sep 19, 2009 11:17 am

Better.
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Corka Cola

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PostSubject: Re: The Darkness Overtakes Me (Poem)   Sat Sep 19, 2009 6:04 pm

Very nice edits...The best writers make the best edits...
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